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In The Beginning

It Started in the 1990’s

I had married a military man and had moved away from Colorado to Alaska.   I was in the midst of an identity crises – literally.   My first marriage was in its death throes and I was …  empty. I had no sense of identity and was suicidal, again.  I went to see a psychologist.  I had had a couple of appointments with her when she gave me a standardized test.  The results arrived and she wouldn’t tell me what the results were, but she did tell she couldn’t see me anymore. Essentially, I was fired by my shrink.  I took the rejection hard.  The psychologist did give me a couple of names and numbers for a doctor she felt more appropriate for the help I needed.

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Awareness Event, January 2020

Trigger Warning: Flashbacks, Sexual Abuse

Day 1

We close our eyes intending to sleep.   Instead we see a dimly lit room.  We open our eyes and move beneath the covers.  We are back in the now, in our bed.

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Journal January 2020

Our experience with Facebook DID groups is that the group seems to function how we imagine group therapy to be. We are posting here our side of conversations we have participated in or posts that we have started as a way of trying to understand what is happening with us.

January 5; incontinence and dissociation

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Experiment With Gratitude

One of our aspects, ‘The One Who Rages’, is part of a group of aspects that forms our work identity, ‘Those of Us Who Work’.  The One Who Rages (OWR) role in the Lark in the Dark system is enforcing rules.  OWR’s original teacher was an abuser who used rage and negative reinforcement tactics.  OWR was present before our first integration in the 1990’s and is the only one we know of who chose to not stay integrated during this current dissociation period that began in 2019.  We are currently trying to teach OWR new ways of enforcing rules with personal growth tools that helped us with 1990’s integration.

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Journal – December 2019

Our experience with Facebook DID groups is that the group seems to function how we imagine group therapy to be. We are posting here our side of conversations we have participated in or posts that we have started as a way of trying to understand what is happening with us.

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A Breath At A Time

The week after the Christmas party a co-worker, moved by the Christmas spirit, begins to sing a Bing Crosby Christmas carol.  The flashbacks begin.  This was one of the songs the radio played the night we were raped by the family friend.    The family friend would sing to me when the bad things happened.  I begin to dissociate. 

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My First Experience with a Child Aspect

Yesterday

I was at work.  It was a stressful day with lots of unplanned out of my control events.  Adding to the stress was the knowledge that the company Christmas party was that evening.  I hate Christmas and I hate Christmas parties.  To be fair, I hate most parties.  I am always anxious and all those people (whether I know them or not) in one room has me wishing I was somewhere else.  I get tongue tied and it is a long night of dissociation.

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Neurofeedback – Third Protocol

This protocol was designed to address the dissociation issues that arose during the second protocol.  Dissociation is the brain’s coping mechanism to protect a person experiencing something traumatic.  It is a survival mechanism.  The first time dissociation happens it is a response to an actual threat of some kind – physical, emotional, mental, or sexual trauma.  Dissociation can become a learned response to stress.

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Neurofeedback – What is it and how do you know it is working?

The purpose of neurofeedback is to teach the brain to regulate itself.  What is the brain learning to regulate?  That is complicated to explain because the brain does more than one job.

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Neurofeedback: Second Protocol

The second neurofeedback protocol focused on the trauma center of my brain.  Very quickly, things started to go crazy at home.  My husband and I began to have truly ugly fights.  Prior to the second protocol we’d disagree and talk it out; at most extreme we might have argued without name calling or profanity.  After the second protocol started, name calling or profanity became the new normal.  The arguments we began to have had to do with how I felt I was being treated, how my husband felt he was being treated, money I didn’t recall spending, not being able to account for time lost.   After these arguments I wasn’t receptive to reconciliation, which was another difference in my behavior from before the second protocol. 

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