Journal: March 29, 2021

We’ve had our second brain spotting session.  It was a very different experience.

During a previous therapy session with our therapist, we were asked if we could see the beauty in the toddler that we were.  We couldn’t.  I tried to work with the therapist’s request in meditation and experienced unexpected difficulties.  I chose to work with the toddler and dissociation with my second brain spotting session.

Just as the first time I was asked to close my eyes and ground.  Once I was grounded I was asked to find a spot my eyes were drawn to.  This spot was behind me and to the right.  I saw the room again that where the man touched me and felt confusion.  I remembered more of what happened and how he held me down.  The brain spotting therapist asked me for an intensity level and to hold the eye position.  This time I had difficulty holding the eye position.  My eyes wanted to close, but since that lowered the emotional intensity I was asked to keep my eyes open.  I felt confusion and then anger because our mother wasn’t there.  We began to get distracted with the emotions of other parts.  The anger of the One Who Rages was intense.  We felt a sadness like a stone weight in our chest.

My emotions were lingering in intensity when one of the dogs snuggled up to me.  The brain spotting was interrupted.  The brain spotting therapist and I talked about our session and finished early.  I had had enough brain spotting for the day.

In the days after this second brain spotting session I have been digesting the experience and having flashbacks to the trauma the toddler experienced.  I haven’t had the negative emotional response I had in meditation, but I feel the sadness and confusion like a weight in my chest.  I have a muted desire to open my mouth and cry – wail really.  I just can’t bring myself to do it.  Sitting here, keying this, I try open mouth exhales to relieve the pressure.  It works.  Now I’m tired.  It is so unfair that I have to deal with this.  The adults know, it isn’t a question of fairness.  It is simply what is.  I think I’m ready to try meditation with the toddler again.