Be careful what you ask for.
It’s been a little over a week since my second brain spotting therapy. I’ve had flashbacks and more dissociation than normal. The extra dissociation has affected my ability to focus making it difficult to be stay on task and be efficient at work.
The dust from the flashbacks have cleared. I remember now. The man who was my mother’s lover held me as he touched and licked my girl parts. I was around two years old. My mother was, the toddler is convinced (the older parts aren’t convinced), she was where the light was down the hallway from where the man and I were on the couch together. Was she in the bath or taking a nap or whatever? I don’t know.
I don’t remember screaming in rage or fear. I do remember feeling confused and liking the feeling of being held and touched. Even as a little girl I knew something was wrong I just didn’t know what was wrong.
My mother found us, her lover and I. She was very upset and threw him out; holding us tight and crying.
There is a voice in my head that is shouting ‘she is just a little a girl.’ As if that should mean something. ‘Just’ seems like an unfair word. It minimizes us. Little girls aren’t ‘just’. We survive and exist even when terrible unfair things happen.