Journal: March 5, 2021

Being back to work is great, but the schedule doesn’t leave a lot of time for journaling.  I’ve had a couple journal threads composing in my head.   Of course by the time I sit down at the computer I don’t remember them.

The portraits are coming along nicely.  I’m ready to start the astrology portrait for my niece.  I just need to get a larger sketch pad and finish typing up the astrology chart report.  I’m eager to get going on it and need a bigger work space.  The portrait of my brother and sister in-law is ready to move onto a larger pad too.  It feels good to have gotten to the point that I can recognize the people I’m drawing in the sketch.

Next week I have my first Brain Spotting appointment.  I’m nervous.  What if it doesn’t work?  What if it does work?  What should I target with Brain Spotting?  Do I get to choose?  If I were to choose in the moment, I need to be able to multitask better at work.  Multitasking includes being able to focus on task while people are talking around me.  When people are talking around me while I try to work I have to fight to stay focused on what I’m doing. It’s as if I have a choice.  I can listen to their conversation or do the task that needs doing.  Attempting to do both means I do neither well.  My emotion becomes negative – it’s frustrating to have inconsiderate people around me.  I resent that they don’t have anything else to do than talk around me while I work. 

What changed?  I used to be able to tune out people around me.  I wonder if its hyperawareness.  I don’t feel safe at work because of the trouble I’ve gotten into just being me, relaxed, and enjoying the flow.  When these people chatter around me about the inconsequential or what their drama is, it is a trap.  It is not as if I can leave the room in order to get my task done.  Maybe what I should do is rather than let my frustration and resentment bloom into something negative I should focus on a color.  Instead of fighting not to listen to their yamma yamma and thinking ‘those assholes’ while I try to work, I should think peaceful blue and work.

I’ve decided I want to work.  I want a paycheck and the things a paycheck can buy.  I want to feel important in my work, I want to feel valued.  I have another work problem.  One of my co-workers is asserting herself forward as a gate keeper to some of the answer people I work with.  I resent her, I think I’m downright pissed with her.  What right does she have to insert herself between the answer people and me?  The flip side of all this is the self-doubt.  Why is this happening?  Am I asking too many questions or being too needy?  Which just sinks me.  I feel worthless.  Is it a coincidence that my co-worker is one of the people polluting my work space with her yamma yamma chatter?

I need to get past this issue of multi-tasking.  To achieve my goal of working in the micro lab I have to work during the day.  The main lab is much busier during the day – more people coming and going, more people with inane yamma yamma chatter, the work itself is more complicated because different people/departments behave differently during the day than at night.  Its ironic because one of my reasons to work in the micro lab is because there are less people and distraction there.  To get there I have to learn to work amidst distraction central.  Yikes.

Published by larkinthedark

In the 1990's I was diagnosed with Fractured Personality Disorder. I successfully integrated. Earlier this year (2019) a series of events have me dealing with dissociated states again. Fractured Personality Disorder is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder.

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