Journal May 24, 2022

It has been over a month since my we used Brain Spotting to access the past life event tied to the sexual abuse I received as a young child.  The child parts are quiet and at peace.  The older parts have receded into the background except for the Witches and the Administrator. I believe we are well on our way to integration similar to how we experienced it the first time in the 90’s. 

Integration has been described to us by our therapist as the fractured parts of personality reforming themselves into ego states.  These ego states coincidentally are very similar to what we worked with in the 90’s.  In the 90’s we worked with healing the ego states known as child, adolescent, critical parent, martyr, negative ego, and adult.   The ego states in psychology as defined by Berne are child, adult and parent.   

In the social media group we are a part of on Facebook many view integration as the death of the parts.  They fear it and use this description as a reason why not to integrate.  Our experience with integration is that of a rebirth of self as we reform into the ego states.  Nothing is lost and a lot is gained in the healing.  Nothing can take away the trauma I experienced, what can change is how I allow it to affect me.    Things that use to trigger me have been desensitized meaning that they don’t initiate an anxiety response or a PTSD response any longer.

In the last month and some I have encountered situations that use to trigger me in the past and I am able to stay in the adult and move through them successfully.   My husband remains a difficult personality at times, and though I find him challenging we (the Witches and the Administrator) navigate the moment.  Work continues to provide challenges.  We’ve learned that music is a distraction that doesn’t exactly trigger us, but we tend to function more in a plural state than a singular state making it difficult to function efficiently.  So we eliminate music in the background at work, working in silence allows us to focus on the task at hand in a singular state. 

In the writing of this journal I notice I am now referring to ‘us’ instead of ‘me’ or ‘I’.  This is a good indication that integration is not complete, but an ongoing process.  That’s ok.   We are closer to being ‘me’ than we have been in the past.  We have been more productive during off time, less sitting on the couch just thinking.  Chores are getting done.  We’ve become more active in following our metaphysical pursuits and our studies in perfumery.  We are reaching back out to friends we’ve neglected in the past.  Our self care is improving.  I have the energy to research and write role playing game material.  I am confident that we are heading in the right direction.

Published by larkinthedark

In the 1990's I was diagnosed with Fractured Personality Disorder. I successfully integrated. Earlier this year (2019) a series of events have me dealing with dissociated states again. Fractured Personality Disorder is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder.

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