Journal: December 31, 2020

I’ve lost momentum on the portraits – a complete stop.  I’m depressed.  The husband has been mean and shouty to us for the last two days.  I sit here and stare at nothing at all while my brain just grinds over and over disjointed thoughts.  Half-hearted motivations to do something anything.  Frequently something, anything is moving from the office chair to the bed where I can read.  This way when the husband comes with his mean and shouty and I get distracted I can get back to where I was, or simply lay down and pull the covers over me.

The problem is, for both the husband and I, is that I’ve begun having cognitive difficulties that are very noticeable.  I work in a lab.  For a moment I couldn’t determine the working end of a pipetter (common piece of lab equipment).  I’m making poor decisions, having bizarre accidents/oversights, and my performance level has slowed down.  At times I’m not able to express myself clearly or understand simple instructions.  I’m in danger of losing my job.  This triggers the husband’s insecurities and PTSD and steers our communications into ugly interactions.  Communication gets complicated when you can’t keep up with topic.  Very frustrating.

The cognitive difficulties are coming from a prescription for Topiramate, a known side effect.  The psych medication provider wanted me to try to offset the weight gain caused by one of my psych prescriptions, Ariprazol.  I put in a call to the psych medication provider asking if I could quit taking the Topiramate.  Their process is slow and cumbersome.  I didn’t hear anything back quick enough, so I quit taking the Topiramate all together.  The psych medication provider wants me to take Metformin in place of the Topiramate.  I won’t do it.  Metformin had a bad interaction with one of the other medicines I take causing critical loss of potassium and a similar crisis to what I’m experiencing now. That crisis (February 2020) ended up with me committing myself; which I’m no where near doing at the moment.

What am I going to do?  Take one day at a time.  When necessary, take one breath at a time. I feel my awareness of things becoming sharper each day that I’m off the Topiramate.  The husband has found his peace point so he is no longer mean and shouty.  I’m hoping the focus to draw comes back or some other interest comes to be so I can stop staring at nothing.

Published by larkinthedark

In the 1990's I was diagnosed with Fractured Personality Disorder. I successfully integrated. Earlier this year (2019) a series of events have me dealing with dissociated states again. Fractured Personality Disorder is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder.

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