Journal: December 14, 2020

I’ve begun therapy again.  And, as usual, therapy asks for a journal to be kept.  Not that I begrudge the journal it’s a good practice.  Just that we’ve fallen out of the habit.

Feeling a bit tongue tied at the moment.  Or rather trying to sort the message from the chorus of words in my head has my fingers hovering over the keyboard.  The nice thing about therapy, it give us a chance to be us rather than trying to pretend to be ‘I’.  Sounds like a good reason to journal more often doesn’t it?  An opportunity to be us instead of I.

A goal was set during therapy this past week; that only ‘the ones who work’ be present when the body is at work.  This is to allow us all to be safe from drama caused when ‘the ones who work’ are absent from work and things happen.  Which leads to the question who are the ones who work and why are they absent from work?  Is it an oops ‘We dropped the ball’ or a response to stress that they don’t want to deal with?

This weekend, in addition to chores like laundry, We had the pleasure of a painting class offered by an old friend of ours.  The one who attended is lj.  Which leads us to wonder if the one who sketches is lj as well?  That doesn’t feel right.

We’ve been learning how to do portraits.  A couple years ago we did an astrology portrait of our nephew.  We’re getting ready to do one of our niece.  The astrology portrait for our niece has taken a back seat for the wedding portrait we’ve felt driven to do for our brother.  It involves a ¾ portrait of our brother and sister-in-law along with the nature spirits that were present.  Turns out ¾ portraits are quite difficult.  We’ve been putting a lot of time into gathering resources and learning how to do this.  I think I’m almost there with my brother’s portrait.

So who am I?  I don’t know.  How would I sign the portraits? Gus? Is this really important?  We’ve functioned all this time without labels.  Do we have to have names.  I don’t want to have a name. 

I’m not Gussie, she’s the baby the one we protect.  Laurie is one of the ones who goes to work. Lada and lj are the witches.  Dharma is one of the ones who goes to work.  Sunny is the sex addict.  There is the wife, who is the wife?  Who really knows?  Nobody seems to want to say which is upsetting.  Is there more than one Laurie.  The one who goes to work and the one who is the wife, or are they the same?  Is that important? 

The One Who Rages is stuck at 13.  The Angry One is an Adult. 

Published by larkinthedark

In the 1990's I was diagnosed with Fractured Personality Disorder. I successfully integrated. Earlier this year (2019) a series of events have me dealing with dissociated states again. Fractured Personality Disorder is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder.

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