Journal – December 2019

Our experience with Facebook DID groups is that the group seems to function how we imagine group therapy to be. We are posting here our side of conversations we have participated in or posts that we have started as a way of trying to understand what is happening with us.

December 23; regarding sex addiction

This is complicated. It took us a while to understand that sex is not love. One of our abusers told us that he loved us so much that he had to touch us. That is when we accepted that sex equals love as a law or rule of life. Then the adolescents found that no one wanted to have sex with us – we were too fat, too uncool, too …. whatever so clearly we were unloveable. Then, there are our parts that know sex as torture. To them, sex equals love equals shame equals pain. Being abused is their secret and the reason they can’t be seen or known. They are broken and unwanted. There are our parts who know we don’t belong in this world, we are defined by our mental illness and a subject to be pitied because we survived in name only – we breathe, we eat, we excrete waste – in this manner we exist but we don’t function. Then there is Sunny, the sex addict, orgasm is a skin shedding experience where she is free without a body or parts or emotion. There is no time and she floats in bliss.

December 23, mute young ones

Wow. Expressing curiosity and support. Wary of being offensive. Our experience is we have many young parts who express raw emotion and no words. The idea of talking brings fear or a quick retreat to the place they go. Some of us wonder if any are mute or deaf. We were young in a place where the adults outside of us yelled and screamed, we could see their rage as color or spiky energy whipping winds. We wished away hearing them. We went to the place we go. We were told as adolescents no one cares what we think and made that a law. We stopped talking. We went to the place that we go with our words and feelings. I guess a question we want to ask, with respect, are you sure she is mute?

December 23; Hosts Who Can Not Think or Do

At the beginning of the year We went through an intensive training program for our work, did really well, went to do the job, the part who did the training went away. We are unable to do the job we trained for. The rest is a long story, the short story is we are coping with trauma predating our earlier integration. Our therapist believes the part who successfully completed the training will come forward once we address the old trauma. Our fear is we’ll lose the job before that happens. So far most of our dissociation moments are subtle enough to be below the radar. The ones that kicked up a bit of dust resulted in a smack on the wrist. You are not alone.

December 24; regarding integration

‘Getting Better’ is relative and varies by the individual. Integration means different things to different folks. We integrated in the 90’s after a lot of work and healing. No one part was forced or coerced. No part sacrificed anything or was silenced. There was no plan for integration. It just happened. I have seen posts where folks equate integration with death of an alter. That has not been our experience, but that doesn’t make it the same experience for others. In 2019, it’s a long story and this post is long enough, we are in pieces again over trauma that predates what we had healed and integrated. Most of us who integrated in 1990 are still integrated and are helping with the current crisis. We are speaking here in hopes to help. With respect, we don’t think your friends know what they are talking about. Is it possible to gently let them know how they are harming you?

December 24; how to handle parts that act out

Our experience, The One Who Rages, was the enforcer of rules. She enforced the rules the way our abusers enforced the rules on us. Our understanding and healing change for how the One Who Rages interacts with people was slow and happened in it’s time. It began for us by asking gentle questions and listening without judgment. The answers came in emotions and images. And a dream that led to more gentle questions and listening without judgement.

December 24; conversation between parts

Our experience is a profound need for patience. The phrase ‘be gentle with you’ was old advice we received a long time ago that has taken on new meaning. Not only does the one part who survived the original trauma need to be ready to cope with the trauma, all of the awake parts need to be able to stand in the pain and confusion of the trauma the survivor is bringing in the sharing that brings the healing. It is cruel that the world goes on, inconceivable really, to the surviving young ones. They have no voice. There is only confusion and pain. The world that goes on makes no sense. We have often looked with wonder at trees and rocks. How is it that they are the same when the rest of the world goes on around them?

December 29; happiness

There is a saying that happiness is a choice. We think that is true, but for DID it’s complicated. Our experience is we are a lot of parts who were birthed in pain, terror, and extreme emotion like rage or shame. A lot of healing to do before they truly know that happiness even exists or can choose to be happy.

Frequently we have a part that rages in our head. She can’t be reasoned with. We are flooding the room, with our awareness, with the color of peace. And we breathe. It helps us sometimes. Be gentle with you. Finding peace or happiness can take time.

December 30, Fight between the Angry One and The Husband

It has been a difficult day in our home. It started with the the husband picking a fight with the Angry One. The husband now understands that the wife is gone until the healing of the pieces happens. He is grieving hard. The wife is wailing and tearing her hair out, gouging her face with her fingers. There are some of us who are sympathetic and feel bad for the husband. None of us can get close to the wife to comfort her. The body just calmly ate a good breakfast and is going out for ice cream. We don’t know who else to tell this too. No one outside of here will understand.

In Response to A Response

After I posted my husband called me home.  Like an idiot I went home (where else would we go?). He yelled at me until I went to bed to get away from him. I got to sleep. He woke me up to yell at me some more. Putting on headphones to listen to music is a good idea except then he feels ignored which puts him in a different kind of crisis. Thank you for giving a voice of support. It’s much needed.

Published by larkinthedark

In the 1990's I was diagnosed with Fractured Personality Disorder. I successfully integrated. Earlier this year (2019) a series of events have me dealing with dissociated states again. Fractured Personality Disorder is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder.

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